- 2001: Volume 10, No. 4 Mind Over Money: Handling Personal Issues

When I work with traders to help them reach their trading goals, personal issues are frequently the biggest obstacles between them and their success.

Conflicts and misunderstandings often develop between men and women as they try to create happy lives together. Issues arising between husbands and wives often cause a trader to lose focus resulting in a loss of money. Traders who are not in a significant romantic relationship can fall into the trap of preoccupying themselves with filling the emptiness they feel. Instead of focusing on their trading, these unhappy traders spend their time haunting meeting places, searching online, recording a video tape for a computer matching service, answering personal ads in newspapers, or staying home at night making themselves unhappy.

The end result of dealing with personal issues is stress. First, the process of finding the right relationship can be very stressful. Then, after we find a special relationship, we have the stress of working out the issues of our differences and either adjusting to those differences or accommodating behaviors that are not appealing to us. Relationship issues that are not handled in a sensible, rational and lasting way will result in negative feelings that will ultimately affect trading performance.

If you have been dealing with personal issues, these examples will illustrate that you need to take action before the personal issues become critical.

Nobody Wants Me
Tom is short and not particularly good-looking and his personality does not make him stand out in a crowd. When Tom came to me for coaching, he was a steady, good trader, but he knew that he could become a top trader if he felt better about himself. As Tom was growing up, his parents constantly told him that he had better be successful in business, because he certainly could not make it on his looks and personality. Even though Tom told himself that his parents were wrong in their assessment of his future, he could not break the mold that they had cast for him.

Tom was very clear about what he wanted—a loving wife and children. Unfortunately, Tom’s social skills were insufficient to get him past an opening conversation. He felt very unappealing and alone.

Although there was nothing that we could do about Tom’s height, we could work on how he felt about it. I pointed out the fact that some of the greatest lovers in history were less then average in height. Then, I gave him a long list of men in today’s world that women find very attractive such as Tom Cruz, Michael Fox, and Mel Gibson. For an immediate change in appearance, I suggested a hair stylist and wardrobe consultant. For a long-term change, I suggested that Tom work out with weights at the gym.

The most important part of the impression that Tom made was not his appearance, but in how he presented himself. First, we had to reverse Tom’s belief that he did not have an appealing personality. We supported self-esteem changes by having him join Toastmasters. Participating in Habitat for Humanity made him feel good about himself. I also suggested that Tom take an acting class where he could learn to act as if he were the person he wanted to be. Then, he enrolled in a comedy class where he could learn how to be amusing. I also suggested that he enroll in a modeling class where he met Alice, the woman of his dreams. The fact that she was a head taller than Tom was not a problem for her. Alice found Tom’s personality to be so attractive that she found him attractive. And, yes, Tom’s trading improved dramatically as a benefit.

The Honeymoon is Over
Tony and Marie could not have been happier through their courtship and honeymoon. But, after settling into their new town home, the problems began to appear quickly and began to affect Tony’s trading. At night, after a long day trading, Tony wanted to be greeted by a loving wife with a clean and orderly home, and a hot home-cooked meal. Instead, he arrived to a messy, disorganized house with a Hungry Man Dinner waiting for him to pull out of the freezer and cook on his own. His wife, Marie, was a fitness addict whose time at the gym took priority over her home and her husband’s desire for a home cooked meal. Marie’s profession took her time and energy during the day and she did not have the time and energy to be a housekeeper, too.

Tony was accustomed to his old-fashioned Italian "momma" who knew how to create a ‘homey’ atmosphere. When in her neighborhood, you could smell the garlic tomato sauce simmering in her kitchen from a block away. While he missed the home that his mother created, Tony did not want Marie to be a walking advertisement for good cooking like "Momma" was. The other benefit his mother never provided was the kind of income that Marie contributed to the household. Even though Tony recognized the financial benefits that he enjoyed from Marie’s career, he was still angry with her for not creating the home of his youth. In response to his anger, Tony began to model his father’s behavior and began yelling at his wife. Marie, on the other hand, came from a background where her parents discussed their issues and found Tony’s yelling primitive and insulting.

When I met Tony, his trading performance was dismal and he was toying with the idea of divorcing Marie. To improve his trading, Tony needed to mend his relationship with Marie. To accomplish this, Tony had to learn to deal reasonably and rationally with his wife and reconsider his unconscious demands for his wife to take the place of his mother. Tony wanted a comfortable home, a home cooked meal, and he wanted to share these pleasures with Marie. What he had to give up were the specific means by which these goals were achieved and his need to control them.

Fortunately, Tony and Marie cooperated with the compromise solutions that I proposed. They hired a housekeeper to clean the house once a week and an organizer to establish an assigned place for everything. They agreed to cooperate and tried to keep everything in its assigned place. Marie learned to cook his mom’s tomato sauce, which she made on Sunday in large quantities so she would have it available for several meals. Tony and Marie each took responsibility for cooking one meal per week. Once a week, they paid a restaurant to bring dinner to their house, one day a week they ate at a restaurant, and on Sunday they ate at Momma’s house. Marie agreed to limit her gym time to early in the morning, during her lunch hour, or after dinner with Tony. She respected Tony for his shift in behavior. Instead of fighting him, she took extra care to provide Tony with the home that he wanted to have. And Tony’s trading is better than ever.

Here Comes the Tribe
When everything is going well in your significant relationship, other relationship issues can take attention away from good trading performance. An infinite number of issues can develop with other family members, friends and associates. Here are some examples of other relationship issues that have been problematic for some of my clients.

Bundle of Horror
The image of a couple receiving the gift of a healthy baby is always a joyous one. But what happens if this baby has colic? The bundle of joy can turn into a bundle of horror.

Because George trades in California time, he needs to go to sleep early and get up early to have a good trading day. Gregory entered the lives of Jill and George screaming and has not stopped since. Compounding this problem, Jill is also the mother of a "terrible-two" toddler and is suffering from post-natal depression. So, George starts his trading day exhausted from lack of sleep and Jill is irritable from lack of sleep and depression. Her constant complaining disturbs his concentration while he works in his home office. After his workday, George is in a terrible mood because he has missed trading opportunities that he would normally take. At the same time, Jill desperately needs someone who will listen to her needs and relieve her from her continuous pressures.

When George called and told me about his family problems, I asked the obvious question, "Why don’t you get help?" George replied that his wife did not like strangers in the house. "Besides," he said, "she has nothing to do but take care of the house and kids." George’s own mother had taken care of four children in a small apartment without help. Thus, he could not understand why his wife could not handle two children in a large home with all of the modern conveniences. However, when I spoke to Jill, I discovered that George was really the one who did not want "strangers" in the house. The underlying problem was that George had an issue with spending money on help for his wife.

If George did not resolve the issues at home immediately, he was in imminent danger of losing everything and would soon find himself in the small apartment of his childhood. His mind was filled with negative anchors that were affecting his trading. But, before he could affect changes in his trading results, George needed to make major shifts in his belief systems:

1. How he viewed his wife’s issues
2. Their problems with a colicky baby
3. How he felt about getting help

When George looked at his beliefs, he realized that his wife’s depression was equivalent to his own depression in trading and that she also needed help with a professional. While she was getting that help, they hired a loving woman from South America to care for Gregory. This woman’s husband worked the night shift in a factory, so her evenings were free. Eager to learn English, she had an audiotape language course that she listened to while cradling and carrying the crying baby. The earphones that she wore helped to stifle the noise from his screaming. George and Jill also sent their two-year-old son to a daycare center for four hours a day.

The money that George spent to solve his family problems was a small fraction of what he was losing by not hiring the extra help. A mere six months later, Jill is over her depression and is adding extra joy to the relationship, the baby no longer is colicky, and his two-year old is loving daycare. George is making more money then ever. It cost approximately ,000 to take care of his wife and children and ,000 to take care of his own needs. The benefit is that George now enjoys the process of making more than six times that amount in his trading.

Vampire Funeral
Dressed in black from head to toe, Randy’s daughter, Sue, looked like she was going to a vampire funeral every day while she was attending high school. Her parents tried punishing, threatening, and rewarding, but nothing worked in getting her to change her style of dress. The good signs were that Sue was an excellent student and was well liked by other students. Nevertheless, Randy was afraid that his daughter’s next step would be drugs, teenage pregnancy and a sexually transmitted disease. His preoccupation with her future kept him from good trading performance.

When I spoke to Sue, I found out that she chose this style of dress because she wanted to be different. I explained to her that while she might be different from the rest of the students in this school, she was certainly not different. If she really wanted to be different, she would have to study style and create her own unique style. Sue agreed to take lessons in fashion and sewing and is now couture for not only herself, but also the West Villagers of New York who seek out her designs. By the way, her dad’s trading is better than ever and he is proud of his daughter and her accomplishments even though he still thinks that some of her choices are "weird."

Life after Life
After Sylvia’s mom died, she asked her 85 year old dad, Ben, to move in with her family. The unintended consequence of her act of kindness was that his interference in her life created a disaster for her trading. Ben had too much time on his hands and felt depressed because he was no longer productive. He was in Sylvia’s hair from morning until night. Sylvia did not want to take advantage of her dad and burden him with household chores and child responsibilities. After all, he had just lost his wife. However, Sylvia had a career, a house to manage, two children and a husband. With the added stress of having her father underfoot, she found it difficult to concentrate on her trading.

Now, Sylvia’s dad is an asset rather than a liability. Sylvia told him that she really needed his help and gave him a short list of tasks that relieved her from a lot of her daily pressures. Her dad cares for the garden, runs errands and manages Sylvia’s office. Ben feels needed and productive and has become an asset to her trading results.

Strategies for Solving Personal Issues
When confronted with personal issues, we have the choice of avoiding them or dealing with them. Avoiding issues is probably the most common way that people deal with them. But, avoidance only makes the issue fester until it is impossible to avoid and it has to be dealt with. Of course, dealing with it then becomes another problem. You can deal with these issues in a negative way where the outcome results in more problems, or you can deal with an issue in a constructive way. Usually, the negative method seems easier because it requires less commitment, less energy and less courage. But, it never pays off.

Conclusion
Personal issues that are not properly handled can sabotage the best trading systems and the most committed efforts. They cannot be ignored and avoided for long because they create stress and drain precious energy and attention. Sometimes, all it takes to turn a bad situation around is to talk it out with a third party, if necessary, while focusing on meeting everyone’s needs. But, it does require that you make choices and commitments, and then follow through.

Common Negative Strategies
People Use in Handling Personal Issues:

1. Accumulating negative feelings until there is no choice but to make radical change. This results in traumatic feelings for everyone involved because the relationship is over.
2. Accumulating negative feelings that result in an explosion of emotional outbursts causing bad feelings for all concerned. Temporary changes may result because of fear of ending the relationship, but the anger will erupt again.
3. Handling issues by stating problems through anger, proposing solutions, and agreeing to behavior modifications about which neither party is happy. Resentment builds when this method is used.

Common Positive Strategies
People Use in Handling Personal Issues:

1. Handling issues by asking a third party to be a mediator and agreeing to behavior modifications worked out through mediation. Both parties agree to follow the plan without resentment. This follow-through is monitored over a period of time until the behaviors are a natural part of every day life.
2. Handling issues together by stating problems to each other without hostile undertones and coming up with agreeable solutions. Both parties commit to taking action without resentment. The commitment is measurable by completed tasks within a specified period of time. Consequences of not completing tasks are also agreed upon.

Remember, if you do not make a choice, you are automatically making one of the first choices.