- 2000: Volume 9, No. 5 Mind Over Money: Never Enough

Jack is never satisfied with his trading results. Sometimes, he looks to his system for the problem, but no matter how much tweaking he does, the indicators are not quite right. Sometimes, he feels that he is not getting enough timely information no matter how many services, newsletters, and information sources he has. Most often, the problem is simply that, no matter how much money he is making, it is never enough.

Jack is never satisfied with his trading. As a result, he is often frustrated, angry, or depressed. These negative emotions affect his trading so that he rarely trades at the top of his form. If he could feel that he had enough in his life, Jack would trade so well that he would actually make more money in his trading than he had set as a goal for himself.

The Cup-is-Never-Full Syndrome

Of course, Jack is not alone. Many traders experience this sense of never having enough. Their cup is never full regardless of how much life pours into it.

Regardless of how much:

• Praise they receive -- they still feel unappreciated.
• Love they receive—they still feel unloved.
• Success they achieve—they are never successful enough.
• Money they make—it is never enough.
• Time they devote to their trading—they still feel that they are not doing enough.
• Security they have—they still feel vulnerable.
• Physical attractiveness they possess—they still feel unappealing.
• Attention they receive—they still feel ignored.

For each individual trader the issues may be different, but the underlying problem is the same.

If a trader were a cup, that cup would need to be completely filled to trade to a level of peak performance. However, this level cannot be achieved if there is a hole in the cup or if the cup is so poorly constructed that it is constantly in need of repair. Unfortunately, many people fall into this category. From their childhood, they possess a legacy of emotional and physical scars that have damaged their vessels so that they leak out whatever is put into them. The result is that their cup is never full, they never have enough, and no matter how hard they try, they cannot achieve their trading goals to their satisfaction.

The Cost of Never Having Enough

Lil called me for help for her husband, Marvin. He did not feel that he needed any help and became angry at Lil for betraying their relationship. According to Lil, Marvin's trading had been in the doldrums for some time. He had an explosive temper that erupted occasionally after periods of relative calm. What frustrated Lil the most was the fact that Marvin seemed to require excessive amounts of praise and displays of gratitude. No matter how much reassurance Lil gave him, Marvin never seemed to be satisfied. If Marvin remembered to empty the trash, it required notice and repeated "Thank Yous" because Marvin usually did not hear until after the second or third time. If he bought her a gift, he needed repeated compliments or the sincerity of her appreciation was questioned. Then, Lil would be obliged to defend her gratitude and then offer even stronger words of approval to validate her original compliments.

The effort to fill Marvin's cup became staggering over time. Eventually, Lil would get tired of constantly supporting Marvin and slow the continuous stream to a trickle, occasionally stopping the stream of support altogether. This cessation would result in raging episodes from Marvin that terrified his poor wife.

Marvin's trading was a perfect reflection of his need for reassurance. When Lil was able to give Marvin enough reassurance to keep his cup half-full, he was able to trade adequately. When she gave up or backed off, Marvin became resentful, angry, and unable to trade.

The first cost to Marvin for not being able to get enough reassurance in his life was in his professional life. He was unable to achieve the trading success that his level of commitment, skill, and intelligence should warrant. The second cost to Marvin was in his personal life. Lil's "Thank-Yous" and compliments were coming from a place of unnaturalness to her and Marvin was beginning to feel it and react to it in a negative way.

Getting to the Root of the Problem

Both of our traders had childhoods that were directed by critical parents who could never be satisfied. Jack's parents were hypercritical of his efforts in school. If Jack came home with an A minus, he would be scolded for not trying hard enough. If he had an assignment to do a report, he was taken to the library and left all weekend to make certain that he looked up every resource. He was not allowed to go to bed until he had done every chore. Then, once in bed, something was always found that Jack had forgotten to do.

For Jack, the result of this early training was that he came to believe that he had to be perfect in order to be worthy. He could never do well enough unless he had all of the facts and information that he needed. Consequently, he worked tirelessly on his system, he subscribed to all of the information services, and he never felt ready to trade because he knew that he would never be good enough.

Marvin's parents played the same game, but with different results. Nothing Marvin ever did was good enough. While his parents withheld praise and support from him, they were effusive in their praise of his younger sister for everything she did. Marvin came away from this experience filled with rage. Because his experience was connected to his sister as well as his mother, his relationships with women were warped by this early rejection. As a result, he needed constant reassurance and support from his wife and became enraged when she was unable or unwilling to provide it. Of course, it was never enough.

Never Enough

The emotional wounds from one area of life will eventually show up later in the same area or in another area in which there will never be enough. For example:

• If a trader came from poverty that prevented him from developing a healthy sense of security, he will develop poverty consciousness and there will never be enough money. Prosperity will always elude him. He will find ways to spend his money so there is none left. He will always focus on the pennies and not on the dollars.
• If a trader has been criticized in the past so that his self-esteem is unable to develop properly, like Marvin, he will never be able to get enough compliments. Or, conversely, if he is complimented, he will block them out and not be able to hear them.
• If a young trader is not loved, he will not develop self-love and all the love that will come to him from his family and friends will never be enough. Although he will desperately need to feel loved, he will push those who love him away.
• If all of his accomplishments are criticized, his best results in the market will never be good enough to bring him a sense of accomplishment.

The stress of never having enough will begin to tell on a trader's results and he will start losing money.

What To Do?

Getting professional help is the only way to get the maximum outcome for someone who never has enough. The emotional blockages that cause these patterns of behavior are deeply rooted, but are easily resolved through psychological counseling. That being said, many traders will struggle on, sabotaging their efforts, rather than seeking professional help. However, the following self-help strategy can be employed to reduce many of the drawbacks to the feeling that you can never get enough.

1. First, acknowledge the fact that you are never satisfied with what you get from your world, whether it is from your trading, from yourself, or from others. Determine what you can never get enough of-recognition, praise, love, help, reassurance, validation, money, security, success.
2. Once you tell yourself what it is that you need, you must give it to yourself. For example, if you feel that you can never have enough praise, give praise to yourself. Do not depend upon others to give it to you. Recognize that when you give praise to yourself, you deserve it even if it may feel uncomfortable. Do it until you are comfortable with it. Soon, you will begin to see a change in your thinking.
3. Tell others what it is that you need. You might want to limit this dialogue at first to those people who care about you. For example: "I need you to let me know when I have done something nice for you that you appreciate it. This is very important to me."
4. Remind the significant others around you that you need to have this reinforcement on a regular basis.
5. Let them know in what form it is the most meaningful to you. Be aware that it might not come to you in the form you expect and be willing to accept it as it comes. For example, you may want to get the expressions of appreciation you need in the form of words: "Thank you so much for what you did. It was really great of you." However, you might get this same result from looks, from gifts, from hugs, or other venues. They mean the same thing. (In the case of Marvin, words were not enough. He needed a hug or some form of touch to accompany the compliment.)
6. When you have been given the thing that you cannot get enough of, acknowledge the fact to yourself and acknowledge to yourself how it made you feel. "My wife just told me how much she appreciates what I did for her and it makes me feel good about myself to hear her say that." Notice if anything is missing.

Although this exercise will not heal the underlying wound, it will reduce your insatiable need for that of which you cannot get enough.

Conclusion

A trader who cannot get enough will sabotage his trading results. The unhealed emotional wounds from childhood find a way of expressing themselves in our trading and personal lives so that we feel that we can never have what we want. Although the best way to address these underlying problems is by working with a professional counselor, traders can gain control by acknowledging the problem, openly expressing their needs, and consciously acknowledging their feelings.