- 1999: Volume 8, No. 5 To Leave or Not to Leave

To leave or to not leave is truly the question for many traders. Nearly every month over the past six years, I have fielded at least one call from a desperate trader faced with this monumental decision. Most of the time, the trader is trying to decide whether or not to leave his or her spouse. Frequently, children are hanging in the balance of the decision. Often, there is a third person waiting in the wings for the decision to be made. At other times, the trader is considering leaving a partnership or a long-term job or even his trading career.

Regardless of the specific circumstances, the decision to leave or to stay is so important to a trader that it will affect all aspects of his or her life, especially in trading. One of the axioms of my field is that successful trading over the long haul requires a foundation of stability based upon emotional well being, supportive relationships, and financial soundness. Few experiences can topple your trading edifice as quickly as a major personal upheaval such as a divorce.

Since the decision to go or not to go has such profound effects upon trading, it is very important that the trader understand the implications of his decision and receives support in making the necessary adjustments to his or her life. Without this support, traders often spend months, if not years, floundering in their trading as well as the other areas of their lives.

The Devil or the Deep Blue Sea

Mel married the woman of his parents' dreams. Shelly came from the right family and the right religion. She had the right education, the right looks, and the right social and economic goals. She was a good homemaker and a loving mother to the three, small children who came into their lives. The problem was that Mel did not love her and probably never did. Although Shelly was a nice and decent person, she was limited in her ability to cope with the circumstances of Mel's occupation as a trader. The insecurity of his income drove her to make probing inquiries each night about his trading that day. Mel found her pointed questions and constant criticism to be intrusive and irritating at best, and harmful to his trading, at worst. They constantly bickered about this issue to the point that they had little else to talk about. On the other hand, Mel did love his children very much. Unfortunately, Shelly's passive nature kept her from disciplining the children during the day. Consequently, after a hard day at his computer terminal, the unreasonable amount of unruliness from the children made Mel irritable and impatient.

To make matters worse, Shelly had little interest in the trading world or any of the other passions in Mel's life. What held Shelly's interest were the children, her social life at the country club, and her family and friends. Although Mel was a brilliant math and science student, Shelly was an intellectual dilettante who attended a good school in order to catch the right husband. What she had in mind was a doctor or lawyer. Since Mel had been studying pre-med at the time they met, Shelly had unrealized expectations of his career path. Even though Mel was making more money than he would have made in medicine, Shelly was always worried that his income could disappear in a single bad day of trading. Ironically, her fears were potentially creating the very thing that she wanted least. In the meantime, Shelly used Mel's income to compete in the material one-upmanship that characterized her social life. No matter what possessions they had, it was never enough to satisfy her voracious need for social acceptance and status.

Kate was the sales rep for the company that sold Mel his new computer system and she fit his dreams. She could empathize with him about erratic income as a commissioned salesperson and when she walked into Mel's office, the chemistry drew sparks. In fact, the two had so much in common that they could talk for hours and never tire of each other. Before long, Mel began to resent Shelly for depriving him of the woman he really loved. He dreaded arriving at home in the evening and the strain of holding his conflicting feelings in check was taking a toll on his trading results.

Because Kate knew that Mel was married, she refused to enter into an intimate relationship with him. Kate did not want to feel responsible for causing the break-up of Mel's family, regardless of the unhappiness that plagued him. In fact, she was so uncomfortable about their friendship that she considered ending it in spite of her own longings for him. This drove Mel nearly out of his mind.

It was at this point that Mel called for help. What should he do? If he left Shelly, how could he live with himself? If he didn't leave her, how could he go on?

Making the Decision

Mel wanted an immediate answer, but I needed to ask more questions. The answer to the question of whether to go or not to go is inside the person who is asking it. Mel's decision to go or stay had three options, each of which had pros and cons.

• Mel could stay where he was and allow the situation to stay the way it was:

PROS: If Mel stayed and did not do anything to improve or change the situation, he would not have to upset any of his apple carts. His trading would not be drastically interrupted. In the meantime, his children would not suffer the loss of their father and all of the other problems that are associated with divorce. He would not feel guilt about leaving and he would not suffer the economic consequences of divorce.

CONS: If Mel stayed and didn't change anything, he would be miserable knowing that he had given up a chance to be with the one person who was "perfect for him." Inside, he would begin to feel dead. His irritation at his wife and children would increase and he would find himself exploding at them. Eventually, he would find himself in the same position again. All of the aggravation would most likely lead to losses in the market because he was not working to get the rewards that earning money for trading brings. This is breeding ground for self-sabotage in trading profits.

• Mel could leave Shelly and live with Kate.

PROS: If Mel left, he would have the opportunity to live the emotional life of his dreams. This was a very big pro for Mel. He would no longer have to listen to his wife's complaints and fears, nor would he have to put up with all of the noise and confusion created in his home by his disruptive children.

CONS: Mel would feel extremely guilty if he left his children. He would also feel guilty for not having tried to work on his marriage. He would face the condemnation of his family and friends. His trading would take a big hit while he made the transition to his new life. It is possible that once Mel actually lived with Kate, he would find that she had issues that were as uncomfortable to confront as Shelly. He would also pay the economic costs of divorce, which would go on for many years.

• Mel could try to make the best of the situation and do what he could to improve it.

PROS: If he and Shelly went for counseling, it is possible that their life together could greatly improve. Mel would grow through the counseling, if nothing else positive came from it. His relationship with his children would improve. If counseling did not help the marriage, he could possibly find the emotional support he needed outside of their marriage, thus taking the pressure off the marriage. Mel's trading would not be interrupted.

CONS: He would not have Kate, or if he did, it would have to be a discreet relationship that was not fulfilling. There was also the risk that his efforts would not produce positive results and he could lose both Kate and his family. He would go through the financial pains of divorce, which would probably have a bad effect on his trading.

As you can see, the decision could only come from Mel. He would have to live with the effects of his decision and each one held the potential for disaster. Mel would have to decide which benefits he wanted the most and which tradeoffs he could bear the most easily. For Mel, each alternative had nearly equal consequences when he weighed the pros and cons.

The trick to making the decision to stay or to leave comes down to these same alternatives. The pros and cons will be unique to each individual situation, although Mel's pros and cons are similar to many of those people who are considering leaving a marriage.

Mel's Decision

After carefully considering his alternatives with their pros and cons, Mel decided to leave Shelley and become a part-time dad. He concluded that the social and economic costs of divorce were far outweighed by the potential benefits of his life with Kate. In addition, he was willing to take the potential damage to his trading. This was a difficult choice in the short run, but Mel has developed excellent relationships with both Kate and Shelly, who has since married a doctor. The children have learned that there is a different set of discipline rules at their dad's house and he greatly enjoys their visits. A benefit for Shelly is that she gets to enjoy more time for her country club activities. And, Mel's trading is consistent and better than ever.

It is important to remember that each trader will look at this decision and give different weight to each of the pros and cons. For that reason, Mel ultimately had to make his own decision. It could have had a disastrous outcome, but fortunately, it worked out for everyone.

Leaving the Partner

Over the years, I have had quite a few calls from traders who were preparing to leave their partnerships. Steven had been in partnership for four years with one of his long-time trading associates. The two men decided that they could bring complementary talents to a partnership that would make more for each of them than they could make working separately. In fact, that is what happened. Their partnership was extremely profitable. The problem was that Steven could not tolerate some of the personal habits and attitudes of his partner. His partner was a decent and talented fellow lacking in certain social skills. Steven was very particular about the way things should be done and became increasingly intolerant of his partner.

We framed the pros and cons of the same three alternatives: Steven could stay and change nothing; Steven could leave; or Steven could attempt to make the best of the situation and try to improve it.

Steven's Decision

Steven took option number three and decided to stay in the situation while doing what he could to improve it. For Steven, the prospect of losing significant income, starting over again, and finding a new, talented and trustworthy partner far outweighed his personal considerations. His first step, and the most risky part of his decision, was to sit down with his partner and relate candidly what was bothering him. The third alternative does not work if you are unwilling to communicate the problem to those involved. If his partner had taken umbrage, Steven would have had an uphill battle to salvage both the relationship and partnership. However, to Steven's relief, his partner was more than willing to work on the things that were bothering Steven. The surprise in all of this was that, once the door was open, the partner was able to tell Steven about some things that were seriously bothering him, as well. The result was that the partnership became even more successful.

Conclusion

When traders come to a crossroad in their lives and they need to decide whether to stay or to leave, they usually have three alternatives:

• stay and keep things as they are;
• leave;
• stay and try to make the best of the situation.

Weighing the pros and cons is different for each individual, but it is the only way to see the consequences of each decision as they are weighted by our own set of values and needs.

The important thing is to make a decision and know why you are making it. Then, you must also be willing to live with the consequences of the decision. Once you decide, you will find that you are able to take action. Taking action and making decisions empowers us and gives new energy to cope with the consequences of our decisions. On the other hand, the act of not making a decision produces stress for the trader, which translates into poorer trading results. Consequently, it is better in this case to make the decision to stay than not to make any decision at all.

If you are faced with a go or stay decision, you will need support either in making the decision or in living with it. Do not hesitate to ask for support from those closest to you, from support groups, from professional counselors, and even, if you choose to stay and improve the situation, from the people involved.