- 1998: Volume 7, No. 2 Charged With Guilt

When Jeff placed a trade he was filled with a sense of discomfort. Winning trades brought feelings of great discomfort for him as well as losing trades. These feelings created a great deal of distress for him until he finally sought professional help in dealing with them. Strangely enough, he was unable to put a name to these feelings of discomfort. However, he did know that they were sabotaging his efforts, not only professionally, but in other areas of his life as well.

The Power of Guilt

People plagued with guilt long to find a place where they can unburden themselves of something for which they are deeply ashamed. Very often, they have a longing to change their painful feelings, but they cannot identify the source of their discomfort. For many, transformation of the guilty feelings can take place as a result of voicing them in a psychological setting or confessing them in a religious setting. For others, a payment must be made to relieve themselves of these guilty feelings, such as, doing something for the person they have wronged or giving in some way to a charitable cause. And then, there are individuals who will carry their burden of guilt for the rest of their lives with the result being continuous sabotage of their efforts.

Seeds Which Motivate Guilt

All emotions are motivators, either positive or negative. Feelings of joy and fulfillment can motivate us to share our good fortune with others. Fear can be used as both a positive and negative motivator. For example, it is wise to make children fear something that can harm them such as fire or heights, but it is harmful to a child's psychological stability to motivate them by fear of physical intimidation. Guilt can also be used with positive or negative intentions, but a distinguishing feature about guilt is that people who create these feelings in others are very often doing it unconsciously. It is never a parent's intent to limit the future success of a child, but a pattern of behavior is established at some point in life which becomes a part of the way they present themselves in life.

When the Cause is Elsewhere

What happens when the cause of the guilt that is sabotaging a trader's career is a generational behavior pattern? In far too many cases, this undeserved burden of guilt was given by those who were closest to him for things he did not do or could not do. The guilt is not always fully verbalized because it is often the result of an attempt to gain power and control. Since the persons who are manipulating the guilt have agendas which are often hidden even from themselves, the burden is accepted and rarely questioned by the one who is required to carry it-often a small child. The manipulators are not "bad" people nor are they manipulating through evil intent; instead, they are unconsciously meeting some of their own unmet needs. For example, parents often manipulate their talented, beautiful or brilliant children through guilt because exceptional gifts often make the parents feel inadequate. Or, parents may make their children feel guilty when they enjoy the benefits of success because the parents experienced painful deprivation in their own childhood.

Undeserved Guilt

In Jeff's case, he had spent most of his life feeling guilty without ever verbalizing or identifying his feelings. Yet, as he talked about his life, he had led a fairly upstanding life. In fact, he had devoted much of his time to his family and community. His motives were selfless and his actions were ethical.

As we probed deeper into Jeff's past, he began to talk about his parents and, it became clear that he had sensed early on that his parents did not really love him. This was in contrast to the way they treated his younger brother and sister, who they showered with love and attention. Jeff was left to wonder what he had done to lose their love. When he was 12, he overheard an argument between his parents. In anger, his mother told his father that she was sick of being reminded that she had gotten pregnant and that they had to get married. Furthermore, she was just as miserable about being stuck with him as he was with her.

Interestingly enough, Jeff said that he had forgotten all about that conversation. When asked what he thought his mother had meant by her remark, Jeff appeared to be confused. On some level, Jeff had known from that moment his parents blamed him for forcing them to live together. This was why they did not love him and this was the reason that Jeff felt guilty and unworthy of success. It also explained why they had treated the younger siblings differently because they blamed them for nothing.

You Make Me Sick

Anne was a highly intelligent and capable trader. She was in a terrible slump after suffering a bad case of bronchitis last year. Although she had recovered physically, she was worried because she felt depressed about trading and was close to giving up her career. What was going wrong?

When Anne was a child, she had suffered from asthma. Often, her attacks were so life-threatening, that her parents lived with the constant threat of her death hanging over their heads. This very real hazard forced them to micromanage their daughter's health, leaving them little emotional room to feel joy or hope. A simple cold often turned into bronchitis, which developed into pneumonia and then into a life-threatening asthma attack.

When Anne became sick, her parents felt fear and anger. They were angry at themselves, at the doctors, and at the little girl who made their lives so miserable. Anne felt guilty for getting sick and bringing her parents so much pain.

Eventually, Anne outgrew her asthma. But, her recent bout with bronchitis rekindled her old feelings of guilt. Both of Anne's parents had died in their early fifties of heart and stress related illnesses. Anne interpreted this fact to mean that she had brought them both to an early death.

Smothered With Guilt

Todd's case is one of my most significant cases of trader self-sabotage, because it has such a familiar ring for many of the traders with whom I have worked.

To meet Todd, you would never guess that he burned with internal fires of self-accusation. He was always the life of the party, a friend ready to help out in times of need, and the first person to celebrate with you when things were going well. But, Todd had another side that was a nuisance to his life, especially his trading.

To understand where this pattern originated, we have to go to the beginning when Todd's parents emigrated from Czechoslovakia. Todd's mother was from a caring family that did not know how to show its affection. Then, she married a man who was very much in love with her, but he did not demonstrate the kind of affection that made her feel loved. So, when her only son, Todd, arrived, she smothered him with affection, and when her affection was not returned in kind by him, she made him feel guilty. In her mind, she was showering him with love, but in reality, she was expressing an insatiable need to be loved. No matter how much Todd professed his love, it was never enough to satisfy her. In the end, he always felt guilty for failing and because of this he felt undeserving.

This guilt permeated all aspects of Todd's life. In business it meant that his goals would not be realized because no matter how he tried, he would sabotage himself in some way. In his personal relationships, he would run from a woman if she initially showed she cared a great deal for him. If he cared for a woman, and she didn't return his affection in kind, he would become obsessed with trying to win her. The cycle of sabotage would repeat itself if she showed she cared too much for him, as he would then want out.

Enter trading. When Todd became a trader, he followed the steps to become a successful trader, but he couldn't follow his rules. Following his rules meant that he would become successful which was not okay, because part of him felt unworthy for any great success. It was too difficult for Todd to admit to these limitations, because he felt too vulnerable expressing any perceived weakness. As a result, he attempted to understand the source of his psychological problems on his own. But, even when he understood the source of his limitations and self-sabotage he could not transform the child perception in him.

Cultural Guilt

Another source of this undeserved guilt is cultural. Certain religions and cultures instill guilt in their members as a form of wide-spread control and/or moral authority. Although the political and social motivations for this guilt-control have their roots in historical conditions, applied to the late twentieth century and early twenty-first century, the long arm of history continues to guide the thinking and humble the emotional development of hundreds of millions of people. In parts of the Middle East when a loved one passes on, immediate family members are expected to wear black for years, conform to a set of rigid rules, and not show any sign of enjoyment. For a trader, this could mean that he would never again be able to earn a good living from trading because it would make him feel good, and it would not be appropriate for him to feel good. This has been the case of a few traders that I have spoken with while in this business.

Regardless of the source of the undeserved guilt, the result is the same for traders: they feel that they do not deserve the successes they achieve. When you don't feel deserving, you will create situations in your life that will sabotage your efforts.

Diffusing the Charge

If you are burdened with guilt like the traders depicted in this article, there is a way out of the cycle of self-sabotage where you have been stuck:

1. The first step to take to diffuse the charge of guilt from others is to recognize that sabotage is affecting your results and that guilt might be the cause. The source of the guilt must be identified before taking the next step.
2. Once the source has been identified, you must reframe your perception of the intent of the one who originally wanted to invoke guilt from you. This means that you see the person who is provoking guilty feelings as not having bad intentions. See them as victims of others, or see what is missing in them which results in their need to make you feel guilty. Usually, people who want to invoke guilt do so out of a sense of powerlessness. When you begin to realize that their need to control is because they feel out of control themselves, then you will be able to transform your feelings about their intentions. Realize, most people learn to use guilt to control others because they were once its unwilling victim. When you can reframe the intentions of your controller, you can also feel less anger toward him or her and yourself. People rarely use guilt consciously to hurt or control.
3. If the feeling of guilt comes from doing something wrong or hurting someone, you can do or say something to that other person which will make you feel that you have paid the price of your actions. If this is not possible, then do some charitable service in their name.

Conclusion

Guilt can be a positive motivator in your life if it stimulates you to change negative behaviors or to atone for past transgressions. But, if you have been charged for crimes you never committed and are unaware that you are carrying this burden of guilt, you will find yourself sabotaging your trading. This guilt, left to do its work on your unconscious mind, will erode your self-esteem, making you feel that you do not deserve to succeed professionally or personally. It will help you to create more and more reasons to feel unworthy, so that the original guilt will be hidden by a string of failures and transgressions. The escape is to identify and target the source of the guilt, and reframe your perceptions of its originator. Once you truly see the person who charged you with guilt for the limited individual that he is, and not the venal, power-hungry and wounding authority, the charges will be dropped and you will be free to succeed.