- 1997: Volume 6, No. 4 Heading for Disaster

How many traders would want to be rescued from impending disaster. Every one of them, right? Who would want to be destroyed if there was an alternative? Who wouldn't?

The truth is that, under certain circumstances, any or all of us would refuse help. In fact, traders who are heading for calamity often refuse to reach out for a lifeline when it is offered. As a trader's coach, I have seen this phenomenon too many times to doubt its validity. The question is, why?

Too Far Gone to Care

When traders have taken too much of a beating physically and emotionally, something happens to their survival mechanism. It malfunctions. At that point, these traders actually don't want help. Help means work. The offer of help comes with the requirement that you do something, that you extend your hand, metaphorically. At the point when traders reach emotional and physical overload, doing anything is too much, even if it means your only hope of surviving. When very old people who are faced with loneliness, pain and certain death give up, we are not surprised. But, when productive, healthy, young and middle-aged traders with a spouse and children give up, we need to find out why.

"I'm sick and tired of those self-help books, all those doctors, gurus, and everyone else who has given me advice all of my life. I just don't want to do it anymore, and I just don't want to talk to any of them," Joanne said.

"Right, dear," Bill replied, as his wife went on.

"I know what you're going to tell me. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. But, I just don't want to do it anymore."

"I understand, dear," Bill responded automatically, as he focused harder on the front page of the sports section of the paper.

As a successful and highly motivated trader, Joanne had always believed in doing whatever it took to be a success. But lately she could not see the affirmations on the wall or pick up the self-help and motivational books in her library that were begging to be read. In fact, Joanne was also not willing to consider the prospect of picking up the phone and calling for help. She knew all of the answers probably better than most therapists do. Unfortunately, she was so deeply buried in a depression that even the thought of having to rebuild again was just too much. Although she was still making money in her trading, Joanne was heading for disaster.

Joanne was not alone in her predicament. When another serious young trader named Marvin came for coaching, he had established a long-term success/failure pattern. After coaching he did everything right. As a result, he attracted many bright opportunities, which resulted in success. However, with his newfound success, Marvin's workload also increased. Rather than continue all of the good habits and attitudes which brought him success and protected him from disaster, Marvin chose the self-destructive palliatives of wine, women, and song. Marvin not only knows he is a disaster waiting to happen, he actually longs for it, tempting failure as if he is invincible.

How did these two fine traders reach this point?

In Joanne's case, she had worked very hard to get where she was. But although the last 10 years brought her a lot of success, they also brought her a lot of stress. Each small step backward, each small loss, each minor assault on her self-esteem were not, individually, enough to stop her forward momentum. It was the accumulation of all those stresses that finally wore Joanne down. As Joanne said, "I'm not dying from a gaping wound. 'm bleeding to death from a million mosquito bites."

After each setback and each stress, Joanne had learned the drill perfectly and knew exactly which steps to take to pull herself out of trouble, readjusting her attitudes and behaviors. She was a highly disciplined and intuitive person whose personal power was more than sufficient to the task. However, on some level Joanne was tired of the process of pulling herself out of each slump. It was an old routine and she wanted to move past the cycle, resenting its inevitability like taxes. She didn't have the spirit for it any more.

Like Metal for Endurance

The resilience of the die-hard trader is a lot like the resilience of certain metals that are alloyed to increase their tensile strength and flexibility. These metals can resist seemingly constant and endless stresses without the slightest sign of weakness. Then one day, the wing on an old plane falls off from metal fatigue, the bridge collapses, or the tool suddenly snaps. "Too much stress accumulates over time and the old system shuts down." "I dipped into the well one time too many and the well went dry." "There is nothing left to fight with." These are a brief sampling of the verbal analogies from traders who have been through this experience, when their metal is tested too many times and it finally lets go.

On the other hand, if the stresses are great enough, the metal can let go immediately. Engineers who thought steel-reinforced skyscrapers would withstand major quakes were alarmed when their models collapsed in recent tests. The steel joints, which turned out to be the weakest link, let go and everything toppled. For traders, the same principle can hold, as well. Traders, who think they are immune to stress, are rarely aware of their weakest link, which can topple the entire structure if the stresses are great enough.

Enter the Rescuer

Fortunately, there is help for the trader who is heading for disaster but is incapable of saving himself. Enter the rescuer. However, this is not your ordinary rescuer, but one who understands the problem and is prepared to take over. Unfortunately, this rescuer is not usually found in the yellow pages. Many, if not most, formally trained psychotherapists, from psychiatrists to psychologists and psychiatric social workers, require a potential client to demonstrate a willingness to not only seek help, but to prove their commitment to their therapy. If the therapist does not call back, the potential patient may be expected to demonstrate commitment by taking assertive action to reach the therapist and set up the first appointment. For the trader who is courting disaster and has reached the point of overwhelm, this is virtually an impossible barrier to cross. This trader no longer cares if he survives. The effort required to "pursue" help is far too great.

In Canada, a remarkable woman has become the ultimate rescuer by saving the lives of young anorexic teenagers who were poised on the brink of death. Her secret is to let the anorexic understand that she will do everything, take care of everything. The dying anorexic is then free to let go of all responsibility and to be a total victim, an infant in the care of the most trusted and loving presence. No cares, no worries, no responsibilities. The sense of relief for these patients is indescribable and, finally, they can heal. Up to this time, the effort to keep everything under control had become so terrifying for them-just like it has for the trader in the state of overwhelm-that they lacked the ability to save themselves.

The difference between a trader and one of these anorexic patients is that, from the anorexic point of view, being a victim is a long-term treatment. The trader, however, is normally a highly resourceful individual and his treatment may be short-term. The treatment can simply mean giving a few, well-chosen, caring words that can point him back in the right direction. A good rescuer's goal, after all, is to give the individual back his power as quickly as he is able to assume it.

In our sophisticated world where we strongly support the need to take personal responsibility as a prerequisite for personal growth, success and survival, there is actually a time when it is appropriate to be a victim. And that time is when you reach a "point of overwhelm." At all of the stops along the way up to this point, taking personal responsibility is the appropriate action. But once the metal lets go, the energy required to put the pieces back together in a person's life is no longer there. All that is left is hopelessness, guilt, grief and resignation as well as a desire to let it all go up in flames. However, instead of succumbing to disaster in this way, the completely overwhelmed trader really needs to let go of all responsibility, sink slowly into a state of victimhood, and, with a sigh of relief, let the rescuer do the job.

Finding the Right Rescuer

For the rescue to take place, a number of vital conditions must exist. First, this process requires that the trader, just like the anorexic patient, must trust his or her rescuer completely and without question. For this reason, no ordinary person with an agenda, with anger or impatience under the surface, can do it. For the young anorexic, the parents are usually too tormented by fear, grief, anger, guilt and frustration to be the rescuer. The rescuer need not be trained in any special way. However, the rescuer must be capable of convincing the victim that he or she knows what must be done, has the ability to do it, and can be trusted completely to do it right, so that the victim can let go and take the time to heal.

Who can do this for someone? The best person to be the rescuer might be a family member. Unfortunately, their emotions get involved and can cause problems. In addition, the point of overwhelm too often results from a "million mosquito bites," which leave the people closest to you either unaware of the danger ahead or no longer sympathetic-even if they were capable of doing the job.

For example, when a hurricane destroys a man's home, everyone wants to help. But, if that same individual is losing his home over a longer period of time, people keep their distance. After an emergency, everyone knows what needs to be done; but with longer and complicated situations, people don't know what to do or don't want to get involved. And they do nothing, even when their friend is at the end of his rope.

Assuming that a trader's family member is willing to be the rescuer and is able to control his emotions in the process, there are still problems with untrained rescuers. They often take too long to give traders back their power because they do not have the right words or do not know the right action for the trader to take immediately to get him back on his feet quickly.

It is often at this point of overwhelm when a trader calls for help. But he is often too exhausted emotionally and physically to catch the lifeline when it is offered, making the rescue process a daunting task. If no one in this trader's personal life can help, how can he trust someone he doesn't even know? So he hesitates and throws up barriers. His skepticism causes him to test and keep testing. Unfortunately, only he knows the right answers. Then, after half-heartedly playing his hand, he suddenly lays his cards face down and concedes the game, daring you to have a real winning hand. He gives up, just as the young patient in Canada does, because he is finally convinced that he can let go and that someone is there to put the pieces back together again.

Conclusion

The way out of impending disaster for a trader in emotional overwhelm is to find the rescuer who understands that he can no longer do it for himself. This rescuer must be absolutely trustworthy to do what has to be done quickly and effectively while temporarily relieving the trader of the need to make decisions, to take responsibility and to take action on his behalf. In this state, a trader needs to be able to, if just briefly, let go and be a completely dependent, helpless victim. This letting go can be a very difficult thing to do for men and women who have valiantly held the course through losses and setbacks, trusting only themselves to take responsibility. But, when their metal is finally too weakened from fatigue to hold up any longer, the right rescuer is needed. Once the exhausted trader is relieved of the need to endure any more stress, rebuilding can begin.